Worldwide Eats, Insight, + Blunder Report of Miss Xu - 衣 食 住 行

Hiatus

Ok boys + girls, a pretty hectic few weeks coming up so expect little to no updates.  Even though I won't be publishing much, know that I will want to, + that updates are coming soon!

Send good juju my way please, will need it massively for this next thing.

Kisses to all.  Will still be Twittering / emailing every couple of days.

M

Moving on

Hello lovlies -

I'm moving my writing over to a new spot.  I can now be found here:

www.luckymissxu.com

Please join me there as I continue my worldwide adventures!

And thank you all for reading - you have no idea how much your support has meant to me.

xx

Saturday Morning

It's still on the early side.  I'm back in SFO.  I've gotten settled in, here in my borrowed flat.  Tomorrow I move on.  My newly cleaned D70 calls for me to take it out for a spin at the Ferry Building.  It's pesky.  The card is always acting up.  The last thing that a photographer would want really, an unreliable memory card. 

I'd lost several hundred pictures of my equally crap and blissful holiday on Hainan Island.  It broke my heart to know that I could never get those photos back.  The only photos that I really ever had of the brilliant times regardless of all the grime and poverty around us.  And come to think of it, what irony that Panama, despite all its natural beauty, turned out to be the worst weeks of my life.  

View From the Flat

My mind drifts back to the current.  I remembered what the guys at Keeble and Shuchat had said.  "You gotta reformat the card on the camera, it's the only way to avoid the problem that you have now." 

So I pressed the 2 little buttons, watched the LED flash once.  FOR 375 *blink* *blink*  and then again FOR 375 *blink blink*.  Led then shows 582.  My heart drops.  The photos.  The hundreds of photos.   They were still there just inaccessible.  And now, they are gone forever.

How appropriate.  My camera imitates life.  Those moments and the feelings associated with the photos, all in the past, and forever inaccessible.

Same Page

I called D to tell him that I wanted to meet up an hour later.

"Soooo, um, a little late in getting out tonight", I'd said. "have a few things to wrap up."

"Oh yeah, no worries, I'm pooped from today, don't think I could really deal with standing for a few hours", he'd said.  He told me about his filming during the day, the running around, etc.  I laughed.  Yeah, I wasn't really up for a big night on the town either, even if it WAS Noisepop.

D + I had met some time ago.  We share a love of music.  NO, I mean, WE SHARE A LOVE OF MUSIC.  We tried dating.  We gave up.  Then we started running into each other.  Quite a lot actually.  So much so that at one point, after running into each other 3 times in the same evening, we just shook our heads and laughed.  He'd approached me then with..."You know, if you want to hang out, we can hang out, you don't have to stalk me."  Yep, San Francisco is a small town.

We'd swapped numbers again as we'd both deleted each other from our phonelists (or something).  He was great at txting every now and then.  It turns out that we actually lived in the same neighbourhood.  We finally agreed to brunch.

Over brunch I talked about my big somewhat obtuse plans.  "I want to start a bamboo farm!  I want to work in developing countries!  I want to make a difference!"  He looked at me a big bemused, just like everyone else.

"Well, I got a new job?", he'd said.  And so we talked about that.  The commute (about 30 minutes), the type of company (consumer goods), the location (East Bay).  The more he talked, the more the company just seemed...well, really familiar in a very strange way.  "Wait", I'd said "What's the name of the company that you're starting at?"

Oh! Irony of ironies, it was the same place that I been working at for the past 2.5 years.

We'd laughed at that.  And I believe I'd said something along the lines of "Oh, ok, I guess we just have to be friends since we can't seem to avoid each other."

That was some years ago.  Then I left for London...and um... Spain / France / Netherlands / Germany / Morocco / blah blah blah.  Now I'm back for a little bit.

I was happily settling in a for another hour when the phone rang again.

"Soooo, how would you feel about Noisepop tomorrow night instead?", he'd asked.

I laughed.  Exactly my thoughts.  I just wanted a really easy night in but was too much of a wuss to admit to it.  "Totally", I'd replied.  I was really pleased with his honesty.  We'd spent the next few minutes discussing the game plan for the rest of the night and the next day.

Ahh, happiness.  It's so awesome to be on the same page as someone.  There was no weirdness, trying to dodge around the issue, or trying to impress the other.  He was able to be him + I was able to respond in kind.  A very nice continuation.  Totally.  Cool.

Ms Parker's Got Nuthin' On You

We'd sat talking softly, barely above a whisper, so close that our knees touched.

It was the unavoidable trip down memory lane, laughter over how we'd seen each other again in JFK, how regardless of our lack of contact, the universe kept throwing us back at each other.

We avoided hot topics for a while.  It was easy enough, 3 years had lapsed.  Drinks...dinner...dessert...

Then a moment of silence...and then that look.

He'd spoken first.  "So, are you back?"

It was a loaded question.  Was I back... in the US?  in San Francisco?  In New York?  In his life?

I answered slowly, not quite sure of how to break the news.  "No...pretty far from it, I'm afraid."

And then it poured out.  I'd told him as quickly as possible that I was only in town as a result of hearing about my mom's health.  That I was en route to meet someone that I'd fallen madly in love with, and that guy was someone that I could see myself with for a really long time.  And that we were hoping to run away together, first Panama, then San Francisco, then back to China.

I said it as softly and as quickly as possible as if saying it in such a way would be less impactful.  Perhaps the wind would carry any hurt away with the sound of my voice.  

He'd only looked at me and smiled a bit sadly.  He reminded me of how he used to play for me whilst I read Dorothy Parker's poetry on Sundays.  He asked me if I remembered how I'd broken down and cried when we were eating Italian in Palo Alto due to my homesickness for NYC.  And of the last time that we'd run into each other serendipitously at JFK and had almost gone home together, and didn't.

And then he told me that he was happy for me...that Ms Parker had nothing on me, that he had hoped for fate, but that after years, he'd finally given up only for us to run into each other again.  

His hands held my face and he'd planted a soft kiss on my forehead.  I'd held onto the lapel of his coat, face half buried, knowing this would be the last time we'd ever be this close.  I knew this was goodbye. So far, the biggest love of my life.  Up out of his seat.  And in a flash, gone.  Again.

Funny with Money

Benni sat across from me and told me about how as a kid, there was never any real fear of not getting the bills paid but that things were always just a bit... "Tight?", I'd interjected.  "Yeah, tight", he'd said.

I understood well.  My family was the same.  We never worried about food on the table, clothes on our backs, or a decent education pre-college for me but everything else was treated as a luxury and those treats were treasured for years and years.

Now that our folks seem to be doing a little better financially, those lessons that we learned as kids seemed to have stuck with us.

So it's not surprising that one of the things that I really like about Benni is his attitude towards money.  It's exactly the same as mine.  I'm not sure if it's a by product of our upbringing but it's one of those little things that makes our friendship really easy.  He, Lyd + I never bicker over the bill, we alternately treat each other and enjoy doing so.

Basically, we're frugal, but not cheap.  This seems to be a consistent quality amongst my friends and at least one member of my family.  We're more likely to shop on practical value rather than perceived value.  We're brand loyal typically only to brands that have been tried and true.

That said, we also splurge every now and then on things that we really like and also on people that we really love.

Stephane + I were less synced.  It was one of those topics that we'd talked endlessly about and did not agree on.  He'd told me at one point about an ex who'd accuse him of being "funny with money".  I didn't think that he was so funny as he was um, not super socially synced with me in regards to money. 

At the end of our trip to Italy (a rough long one), he'd slid next to me on an airport bench to calculate who owed what down to the last penny.  I think I flinched a bit on the inside as I'd calculated the cost of how long that must have taken.  It reminded me of my mother who has a habit of tallying things down to the last pence.  Dad + I find it endlessly annoying.

Over the years though, we've adapted to each other nicely.  As our trust with each other grows, he's become less funny with money and more relaxed, possibly knowing that I'd never screw him out of the last $0.02. 

What about you guys?  Do you find that your friends deal with money in a way that is totally different from yourselves?  Is it something that's surprising or endearing in some way?

si no es locura, no es amor

CC + I met for drinks 2.5 years after I'd left San Francisco.  As always, it was amazing to see her.  She looked as beautiful as ever, if not more so.  We picked up immediately with no time wasted.

Our conversations quickly turned to relationships as we're both recently out.  I'd told her some details, including my headlamp tossing incident.  "argh!  I've never been pushed to a place where I've thrown something at someone before!  Ok, it wasn't huge, you know, a 3 led headlamp but still.  Although, I have been known to slap a few boys in my life, usually when they were insulting my mom...".

CC laughed and said, "si no es locura, no es amor".

It was a dark and noisy bar.  + my Spanish is terrible.  "Huh?", I'd asked.

"If there's no craziness, there's no love!", she said laughing.  "It's a saying that we have, I believe in it, I want the passion!  I don't just want to be complacent, just friends.  Why can't we go at it like animals when we're old?".

The thought of wrinkly err... mature people sex flashed through my mind.  I couldn't help it!  I'm a very visual person!  Oh boy.

Then I'd told her about my parents, how, after 30+ years, they are more in love with each other now than ever before.  Oh, and they are far from complacent.  They bicker, they hold hands in public, and my mother once started telling me some really (GROSS!!! GROSS!!! STOP!!!) intimate details that almost made me want to projectile vomit (yes, I responded by covering my ears and chanting broccoli broccoli broccoli).  Yep, they're still in love and it sure shows. 

This is a pretty odd thing as they are Chinese and oldish.  Ok, they are not that old but they're my parents right?  I mean, shouldn't they ACT like it?

But no, they sometimes act like teenagers.  My dad will crack some really inappropriate jokes at the worst times imaginable, and my mother, who used to get really embarrassed, now laughs just as loudly + swats his arm playfully to tell him to stop joking just so she doesn't end up snorting with laughter. 

CC was amazed and wished that she had similar examples to work from.  She'd just never thought that it was possible.

Perhaps that is my difficulty.  I know that this kind of love and devotion is possible because I am faced with living examples of two people who didn't start out in the best position but fell madly in love (yes, very possible that they are simply just mad) and stay in love over 30 years later.  I'm sure that it's this belief that has allowed me to give people second chances in so many things and why I challenge myself to not settle for anything less than that with someone who's willing to stick it out.

It does make me curious... Have your parents influenced the way that you deal with love and life?  And has this perception changed over time?

But Not Forgotten

Two of my Xes recently told me things that I was not prepared to hear.  All good, but still, surprising.  Based on what they'd told me, I am both flattered and humbled but can only respond with a little bit of Dorothy Parker.  Thank you for letting me know what I've meant to you.  I never could have imagined it.

But Not Forgotten

I think, no matter where you stray,
That I shall go with you a way.
Though you may wander sweeter lands,
You will not soon forget my hands,
Nor yet the way I held my head,
Nor all the tremulous things I said.
You still will see me, small and white
And smiling, in the secret night,
And feel my arms about you when
The day comes fluttering back again.
I think, no matter where you be,
You'll hold me in your memory
And keep my image, there without me,
By telling later loves about me.

Dorothy Parker

Fear of running

As I polished off a 7 mile rolling hill run through Rancho with Lyd, I'd thought about a conversation I'd had years ago.

About 10 years ago, sitting in one of our local microbrews in Portland, OR, I looked over to Erin and told her that I was raising money for the Leukemia Society.  For every word that came out of my mouth, her mouth seemed to fall slightly more agape.  When I'd finished talking, she'd yelled," Are you an IDIOT?  You're not even a runner!".

I was a bit miffed.  She wasn't really getting the point, I wanted to fund raise for a charity close to my heart!  A childhood friend had Leukemia and passed away when we were 16.  It left a lasting impression.

She went ahead and said many more things about how I'd hurt myself, and then eventually die as a result of my efforts.  I was really starting to wonder if she was channeling mom.  Not as repetitive though, so I figured not.

Ok, so I am omitting one MAJOR detail here, I was training for my first (but not last) marathon.  A slightly smaller detail is... she was right, I wasn't a runner, I'd never run more than a 5 miles, never consecutively and it would usually result in some form of projectile vomiting towards the end of a run, much to the chagrin of um, onlookers...

That was about the only thing that she was right about.

When I think back at that moment, I realised that she was not only genuinely afraid for my health (given the circumstances) but she was also dealing with her own fears and frustrations.  She pointed out that SHE had been a runner for over 10 years and even SHE would not imagine running a marathon.

But that one point is the exact difference between us.  I try to face my fears head on as I am convinced that it is one of the ways that I can move forward in life. 

I did run the marathon, and for my first marathon, my time wasn't too shabby.  I made it in in under 6 hours, I believe.  I wasn't fast, but I was fairly steady.

We'd completed our most recent 7 miler averaging under 10 minute miles with our fastest split time at 08:29 min/mile.  After over 3 months of not running such distance, it felt amazing.  

So that is how I'm trying to approach the next chunk of my life.  Steady, and with continued curiosity to do just a little better every time.

Do you do this too?  What things do you do to motivate yourself on a daily basis? 

Apologies

SB called and started with an apology, ”Listen, I was stuck in meetings and then … I didn’t mean to blow you off.  Now I'm all yours for the next 15 mins.”  I’ve always loved this about him.  Direct, to the point, talk about the elephant in the room and move on with it.  Ironically, SB is probably the last person in the world that EVER has to go through this.  I trust him without fail, always have, and seeing our track records with each other over the course of the past 4 years, will likely always will.

I'm not saying that he gives the best advice (same same for me, I'm not calling the kettle black here! :) ).  But he just has the best way of apologizing so that we can get over any potential crap and just move on with it.

It got me thinking, there's a real art in apologizing and it doesn't matter what the infraction, perceived or not is.  However, it DOES matter if you happen to be someone in a call centre or a friend / colleague.  Furthermore, it DOES (seem to) matter if you happen to be a guy or a girl.

But first, it's kind of painfully fun to go through some crap apologies. 

1) "I'm sorry that you are hurt by this"
This kind of apology SUCKS ASS because the implication is that the person feeling hurt is somehow wrong to feel hurt by this.  The person saying this assumes no responsibility.

2) "I'm sorry but there isn't anything that I can do about it"
This implies that you haven't even tried to look at options and expect the receiver of the apology to come up with a solution.

3) "You're totally over reacting / You really need to calm down"
If you ever want to really anger someone, tell them to calm down.  Fuel on fire! Woo!

Here are some better ones:

1) "I'm sorry"

2) "I'm sorry, I've tried to think of ways to make it better like (insert whatever) but I realise that it would not come close to (whatever the infraction was)"

3) "I'm afraid I might get too emotional about this, would you mind if we just take a step back and talk about this at (whatever)" (but be prepared to deal with a no).

Come to think of it, I'm not always an ace at this myself!

What about you guys?